Candy Man

These are Red Dollars. Aside from corn syrup this candy is basically made up entirely of chemicals, including its color. It’s chewy (although “gummy” might be a better word); it’s a slightly bilious color; and it tastes like some kind of faux berry. The appearance of the thick quarter-inch disc is unpleasant to the eye, being the manufacturers’ name, Heide, arching over a weirdly designed dollar sign. It is also, unfortunately, super-addictive. I can’t seem to stop throwing them down my gaping gullet like a voracious buzzard chick gulping down road kill from the beak of its scavenging parent. Even after only two days I know this habit will be hard to break but my vow is to do so forthwith. Just as soon as I finish up every morsel out of the unattractive clear- plastic carton and can brush my teeth with something clinical and abrasive. A major flossing is also indicated.