My Virtual Speedo Model Experience

This is “virtual model” me. If there is any brand name I’m fairly loyal to (besides Skippy peanut butter) it’s Speedo. I have sweatshirts and tanktops and flipflops and even a watch with the Speedo logo. Of course I have several sets of swim trunks; both briefs and boxers. The other day I was shopping around on their website and noticed a new icon-button called “My Virtual Model Experience.” How cool. What you do is build yourself a person that sort-of reflects your physical/facial persona and then you dress him or her (like a paper doll) in Speedo products.

I understand that Speedo has an image to maintain, that is, they want everybody to look like swim stars or surfer dudes but, of course, how many of us actually have that sort of build? Not me certainly and, frankly, nobody I know. So I built a virtual model of myself and this illustration was the best I could do within the parameters allowed. I guess the parameters are that you can’t be too fat or too old or, heaven help us, hirsute or tonsorially challenged. So, okay, after being told automatically (several times) my “model” could not be adjusted for the height and weight combination I entered, I settled on the one you see here. Good enough, even though I don’t have that much hair and the moustache sucks and my waistline, shall we say, is carried a tad further south.

So, on to the “dressing room” phase, oh what fun! I looked through the products offered and although their warehouse must be chock-o-block with various types of haberdashery, there are very few products that seem to fit my “virtual” body. Briefs and square-cut boxers are not available and the big old baggy kid-stuff just looks silly. I can only surmise that the prudish hand of semi-censorship has hit the fan and the possibility of anyone being portrayed skimpily (at least we more corpulent types) is verboten, which is to laugh: hahaheeheyahahaaa! That is to say, like an adolescent hyena. Which is fairly fitting, as it were. So this is my virtual self; clad in default gray shorts. How humiliating...

My advice to Speedo: make it real or take it down!