THE GORILLA MY DREAMS!

This is an uh-oh alert. Just today, April 24, 2006, I learned about a new live-action movie based on the television cartoon series Magilla Gorilla which aired originally in 1964. Magilla is a big ape that lives in the window of Peebles Pet Shop who was constantly being sold and then returned because he is, mainly, an idiot. The only customer who really loves Magilla is a little girl who can’t afford to buy him. Although MG originally aired in the mid-60’s, it has a scary half-life on the Cartoon Network, so generation after generation of our impressionable youth has been exposed to this particular Hanna Barbara creation.

You need to know, now, that my real last name is Peebles. It really is…honest.

In the 60’s I suffered through a barrage of insults and derision because Mr. Peebles, admittedly, is a bit sadistic. Well, think about it for a second, wouldn’t you be taking your frustrations out on your merchandise if that particular example is the reason for your ruination? Well, forget psychological motive for the moment, it’s just a toon after all, and consider the years of my name being screeched in my ear, and sometimes from great distances, often accompanied by childish (of all ages) maniacal laughter. Luckily, by the end of the 60’s this phenomenon went the way of all shows eventually, and was canceled. Despite the occasional aberration of somebody’s too-keen memory, Mr. Peebles, pet shop owner, retreated into obscurity, unlamented by me and my family.

This is a warning: never Google your own name, you’ll end up regretting the decision.

In this case, here’s why: M. Night Shyamalan’s Magilla Gorilla! “From the Academy Award-nominated writer and director of The Sixth Sense and The Village comes “Magilla Gorilla,” a live-action version of the children’s cartoon show. A family goes to Peebles Pet Shop looking for an animal to take home. Soon, it becomes obvious that the shopkeeper has sold them a brutal killer in the form of a family pet. The movie stars Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Michelle Gellar as the unwitting couple who take the gorilla into their home. Anthony Hopkins plays the sadistic Mr. Peebles.”

So there’s the source of this uh-oh. When this movie hits the multiplex, benign parody or not, am I doomed to relive the agony of the schoolyard derision I suffered during my formative years? I think not! If you are tempted, just keep in mind that I’m an adult now and more than capable of responding in kind, being well armed with a vast vocabulary (some say half-vast) derived from decades of successfully completing the NY Times crossword puzzles, even on Saturday. Glib retaliatory force is in my arsenal and it will sting a lot more than a simple Yo Momma!

Also, you should keep in mind that Anthony Hopkins gets top billing and probably (not verified by me) Magilla is computer-generated, thereby changing the focus of the whole project. You should also know that no matter how much attention the ape gets, behind every star is a great pet shop owner!